Marriage Rescue

Your Husband Doesn’t Love You Anymore?

Don’t be too sure!

Why is that? The relationship probably never progressed through all the stages to the point where you became his one and only. In this case, the problem is not that your husband doesn’t love you anymore. He just might have committed to you physically but not mentally and probably did not realize something was missing until now. So your current experience might mean you have work to do.

But He Was Loving Before He Changed Into A Mean Monster

I’ve been there! From a romantic high into that deep dungeon, chained by fear and desperation and I can tell you there is an explanation for it and a way out. Life-long wedded bliss is possible. I have to add though that wedded bliss does not mean a conflict free relationship. It just means it will be free from the gut wrenching devastation of mutually unfulfilled love. 

You Don’t Understand How Bad It Is

Trust me – I do. I have walked that walk. Every excruciating inch of it. You wake up one day and realize it’s all falling apart. Your man no longer loves you – or so it seems. He may even actually tell you that he does not love you anymore.

The crippling awareness slowly washes over you and you feel yourself suffocating as it does. You almost choke on the lump in your throat. You clutch at your chest because you feel like a knife has been driven through your heart, with a couple of twists thrown in for good measure. You don’t understand – what happened? What did you do wrong? Perhaps you realize you have been walking on eggshells, trying not to upset your man who seems to have become distant and edgy. You have tried everything to cheer him up and make him happy. Little gifts, acts of kindness, or even an over-the-top birthday treat. Your efforts have been well and truly in vain. The overwhelming confusion feels like your world is spinning out of control.

Try as you might, you cannot come up with a workable solution. You know he won’t go to counseling or you have already tried that route with disastrous results. You can’t even elicit a normal human response from him. He gets irritated if you get sick, angry when you’re excited about your promotion. He seems to despise you as much as he despises the most criminal and unproductive members of society, if not more. You feel weak as you come face to face with crushing despair.

I Was Convinced My Marriage Was Over

This WAS my life experience not too long ago. I was on the receiving end of all kinds of insults. I felt I had to work myself to death to contribute financially to the household in a demanding professional career while also managing home-cooked meals and all aspects of my kids’ lives. In spite of my sacrifice (my health deteriorated, I developed a chronic condition and started to get depressed) all I heard was how my contributions (from a six-figure income) were peanuts (he earned more). Yet dare I miss contributing – hell hath no fury like the tirade that would be thrown at me. I could not do anything right.

Sexless Marriage

Not surprisingly so much resentment built up that I could not enjoy intimacy with him. When I initially started declining sex because I didn’t feel too inclined after yet another put down, he got angrier. To him, I was weaponizing sex. I was withholding sex on purpose to punish him. I was beyond baffled! How was I supposed to want intimacy after being called a dimwit and being compared to a five-year-old? 

I thought the relationship was over and even brought up divorce a couple of times. Strangely, per my intuition, he did not seem as eager to get divorced even though he did bring it up too on occasion. I could not help but wonder why he did not just get on with it already if he really wanted a divorce. Yet a threat of divorce from my end seemed to elicit a feeling he tried hard to mask, but which I could pick up on, though I could not quite name. What was going on here?

No Communication Problems Here

I searched everywhere for a solution to my seemingly intractable mess of a life. All I found online was the typical fluff about poor communication yardi, yardi, yarda. Whenever I tried open, honest communication it either seemed to trigger an angry tirade or promises that were broken before the next new moon.

A Glimmer Of Hope

Then accidentally, I stumbled into a situation that seemed to reverse the trend – at least temporarily.

I had to travel leaving my husband with the kids for a good while. I was nervous because my husband had never really been extremely interested in helping with the kids so I had taken all the responsibilities to do with the kids.

I was gone for several weeks. Curiously, I heard from a relative that my husband was doing a phenomenal job with the kids. This one particular story struck me. My husband, with the kids in tow, had met up with the relative while on an errand downtown. Then, while having lunch, the youngest- 3 years old at the time – seemed to choke. Per the relative, my husband was immediately attentive to the child, with great concern on his face. He gently asked our little boy if he was fine and when the 3-year-old started laughing, my husband relaxed. If I was there, normally I would be the only one visibly showing concern.

Renewed Interest

At the start of my absence, I was video calling every day at the very least to make sure the kids were okay. When I called, my husband would give the phone to the kids immediately. He even got them to check the phone and answer it if it was me so I could not get a hold of him easily. Then at one point for several days, I was so busy, I did not get a chance to call him. It was not intentional, it just happened. This also happened to be after I had recently praised him via text for something that had stood out to me upon reflection. Next thing I knew he was calling me and interrupting my extremely loaded days. At one point, I gently demonstrated to him on video how occupied I was and ended the call only for him to try reaching me later when I needed to sleep. I ignored some of the calls as the interruptions were affecting what I needed to do and that seemed to only make him call more frequently.

What Was Going On Here?

This observation piqued my curiosity and so I went searching. At this point, I cannot remember how but I stumbled on an e-book about men’s experiences in intimate relationships. This e-book purchase was the turning point for me.

Men Are Truly From Mars And Women From Venus

Go read that book! Seriously.

For me, this eBook and others brought me to a huge realization. That the way men and women process emotions are worlds apart. Most men are only subliminally aware of their emotions. Men “feel” with their heads, not with their hearts. So a man could have a rush of feelings and while he feels good he goes along with it. However, as the feelings pass as they are bound to, if a man cannot logically defend what’s left after, then whatever happened might as well not have happened. This is why a guy who is physically attracted to a woman he sees for the first time will rush to profess undying love but the next morning chains of steel could not stop him from leaving. The man simply interprets the rush of lustful feelings as falling in love, and he will believe he is in love, but the next morning when he wakes up and the girl is snoring, with messy bed hair and has alcohol breath, logically he cannot convince himself that this is the one. Now interestingly, once he is convinced that you are the one, bed hair and snoring won’t phase him and alcohol breath after a fun night before might repulse him for a fleeting moment but he is not going anywhere. He may make a joke about it smelling like his college dorm room but with that quip, all of that is gone from his mind and you are still his one and only. Another point to note is that a man doing serial one-night stands might feel bad about himself if not immediately on the morning after then eventually if he keeps such a lifestyle. Interestingly such a man will likely end up empty and directionless in life.

If You Want A King You Should Be Worthy Of Being Queen

Yep I know – a has been cliché but for your sake please believe me. It is still totally true. We, women, have immense power to motivate men to be the best version of themselves. However, you need to have fully grown into your own. As a woman, if you are not true to yourself, you end up with a miserable depressed loser. When you embrace your femininity your man feels like a king and will be dying to fulfill your every wish and be your hero. I know this may sound sexist but if gender differences don’t exist, why do we celebrate a transgender who embraces the gender stereotypes of their new gender? Remember Caitlin Jenner – professing her yearning to wear makeup and dress feminine? She was hailed as a hero for coming out and disclosing her desire to look and act feminine. She was all over magazine covers and magazine spreads putting on makeup, looking and acting feminine. Yet we women want to discard our femininity and put on a tough masculine cloak. Is it any wonder then that relationships have become confusing and disappointing.

This last point was cemented in my head by a clip from Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist. You can watch it here

A Man Must Love You With His Head Before He Can Entrust His Heart And Emotions To You

The right woman motivates a man to develop and harness his emotions to achieve greatness. Men live in their minds but it is emotions that drive them to achieve. Yet they lack the awareness to process their emotions as fluidly as women do so they tend to just bury and ignore instead of resolve emotional issues and grow. Most men experiencing a major defeat like losing a job with poor prospects of another might recoil and go into depression whereas most women would cry for as long as they need to, talk it out with friends and or close family then move on. A man might not experience such a devastating big event but hundreds of small subtle ones could have a similar effect. A woman by his side telling a man “wow, I really liked how you negotiated and got us all those add ons at the car dealership.” Or teasing him with a challenge that she ultimately believes he could scale, builds him up emotionally, and makes him feel incredibly powerful and energized at the same time helping him learn to process emotions more effectively. By helping a man navigate through the emotional maze, you help a man release pent-up emotional energy that not only gives him the drive to almost be superhuman, it also gets directed towards you as the source, and basically, you become his one and only. Off-course this is an oversimplification of the process to get there but it captures the gist of what drives a man to worship a woman. This drive can be compared to the lifelong drive most mothers develop to care for and protect a child upon birthing it.

The Dance – Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Okay now on to the point of oversimplification. I grasped these ideas early on but found myself making two steps forward one step back in the pursuit of a rekindled love with my husband. I would make effort to recognize things that he had achieved that were commendable. We would be in a blissful cocoon for weeks on end, then inevitably some trigger would have him back to his edgy angry moods and I would be at a loss.

Several eBook purchases later, I would stumble on yet another nugget that would help us get unstuck only to fall into another rut.

However, I finally stumbled on an eBook and program that tied it all for me and got us to where the man who thought I was beyond pathetic now makes breakfast for me while am asleep. The eBook describes exactly what is going on in a man’s mind through all these ups and downs and what to do at every stage to help your man.

Would You Like A Side Of Frustration With That?

I believe it never used to be this hard for men and women to form relationships. However cultural evolution has caused so much confusion on both sides that we (men and women) are ending up inadvertently hurting each other immensely. So we all have our guards up and those barriers get harder and harder to break to allow a connection to happen.

I can confess that on my part, I have been guarded in my relationship in subtle ways because I had a career and never wanted to end up abandoned, barefoot and pregnant. That fear in turn meant my husband could never fully unlock my femininity. Even if he could not place a finger on it, he could feel it and it made him feel less of a man and angry.

Wedded Bliss At Last

I have since learned to allow him to enjoy the depths of my femininity for him to fully express his masculinity, creating a beautiful polarity that is allowing wedded bliss to unfold. In today’s world, it’s a challenge to get in touch with your femininity. At the start of this journey, I did not even know what that meant. My guesses were that it meant being passive and always deferring to a man but quite the contrary it means being a strong feminine woman. The best way I could describe it is that it’s like the heroine character on Avatar – Neytiri. She was real with Jake, she chided him when he acted naively and did stupid stuff, she was in awe of him when he did brave things. She inspired him to ultimately be the leader of her people abandoning his own race. As much as it’s a Hollywood story, it does ring true to what inspires a man to consider a woman his one and only.

Your Chance To Learn How To Steer Your Relationship Out Of The Rut

Here is a link to the most impactful e-book I bought. It walks you through the stages the relationship needs to have completed to get you to be his one and only. He may have married you out of a sense of societal expectations – marrying you was the next logical step at the that moment in his life. Then came the kids and a sense of duty took over. However, he now feels empty and confused because there is no fire burning in him for you and he senses something is missing. The e-book in the link will give you the tools to turn things around and I can guarantee you it’s a fun process once you get the hang of it. I compare it to a dance.

If you’re interested in diving deeper, subscribe below to get on board this journey to wedded bliss. I will send you links to more e-books and share more details of my own personal experience.


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